Chuck, an active ten-year-old boy, was fidgeting as he was sitting in
the large gold reclining chair. His busy hands and feet were moving
constantly, and his eyes were reflecting his fears. Chuck did not want
to be in my office but his mother, Pat, thought it was important for him
to resolve his problems, and insisted that he come in for one counseling
session.
Pat sat upright on the couch as she told me about Chuck’s angry
outbursts, his desire to kill animals, his willingness to follow his
destructive friend blindly—even when he knew the behavior was wrong, his
hurtful aggression to his younger brother, and the complaint he received
from his teacher about his bad attitude in class.
I immediately began to build trust and rapport with Chuck by asking him
questions about his favorite hobbies and subjects in school, and how he
felt about his problem. When Chuck was convinced that I was really
listening without judging him, he agreed to allow his mother to leave
the room.
Then I told Chuck that he had all the answers to his problems inside of
himself. Therefore, I was going to ask him to close his eyes so that he
could go inward to find them. I said, “Chuck, I am going to guide you,
and I want you to know that you are in control. Please tell me how you
are feeling, and if you don't want to do something.”
Confident that he was safe with me, Chuck closed his big brown eyes and
began to relax. I first guided him to his safe place which was in the
woods behind his home. As Chuck was imagining that he was in the woods,
he spontaneously took a deep breath and relaxed some more. His hands and
feet finally ceased their continuous movement.
Then I asked Chuck to rate how much he liked himself by seeing a number
from one to ten, with ten indicating high self-esteem. Chuck saw the
number five.
I continued by saying, “Chuck, imagine that you are in a theater, and
that you are visualizing the white movie screen. Now see on the screen
an image of a person you are angry with.” He replied, “I see my dad.” I
continued, “Chuck, allow yourself to tell your dad what you are angry
about. There are no consequences since he is not here and I won't tell
anyone what you say.”
With my continued encouragement, Chuck told his dad how angry he was at
him for yelling and slapping him, and for ignoring him. When I asked
Chuck what decisions he was making about himself from his dad’s behavior,
he told me that he believed he must be bad and unimportant.
Knowing that those negative thoughts about himself were the key to his
acting out behavior, I asked Chuck to say, “Dad, what you say or do is a
reflection of you and not of me. No matter what you tell me or how you
act towards me, I am okay. I’m a good person even when I make mistakes.
I’m important whether you spend time with me or not. I imagine that you
are doing to me what your father did to you. I’m sorry that you didn’t
get the kindness, patience, and attention you needed from your father.
You must be in a lot of pain to treat me like that. I understand that
you love me and don’t mean to hurt me. I forgive you.”
After Chuck repeated those healing words to his father, he sighed with
relief and his face looked more relaxed. He told me that he was feeling
much better.
With further exploration, Chuck realized that even though he hated his
dad’s aggressive behavior, he was becoming just like him. Chuck also had
a bad temper, and was yelling at and hitting his younger brother.
Chuck’s desire to hurt animals was his way of releasing the angry
feelings that he had towards his dad. Chuck was misbehaving in school in
order to get the attention he wasn’t receiving from his father. He was
also trying to be noticed more by his mother who he felt was favoring
his older sister. With further introspection, Chuck realized that
because he did not like himself very much, he was willing to take abuse
from his friend and do what he said just to be accepted.
Finally, Chuck admitted that he was hurting because his parents were not
getting along. On some level, he felt responsible for their unhappiness
(something children often mistakenly do). After I helped Chuck realize
that he was not responsible for his parents’ pain and upsets, he felt
even better about himself.
I concluded the session by asking Chuck to evaluate his progress by once
again seeing a number that represented how much he liked himself. This
time, Chuck saw the number eight. He was very pleased with himself, and
I acknowledged him for his courage and wonderful work.
It was then time to call his mother back into the office. With Chuck’s
permission, I told Pat all that had transpired in the session. I
emphasized to Pat how important it was to resolve her issues with her
husband, and to make sure that the children are told that they are not
responsible. I also expressed to Pat that often one child acts out the
pain of the family, and Chuck seemed to be the one who was unconsciously
doing just that.
Pat was very grateful and willing to pursue counseling with her husband.
She realized that I was speaking the truth when I told her that she and
her husband were the foundation for the family. With a loving
relationship, constructive communication, and good parenting skills, the
children were likely to have high self-esteem and be healthy and
successful.
The following week, Pat called to inform me that Chuck’s teacher was
pleased with the improvement in his attitude, and that he was able to
break off his friendship with his destructive, demeaning pal. Chuck was
acting much kinder to his brother, and no longer talked about killing
animals.
Obviously, the once-aggressive Chuck was becoming the loving being he
truly is. How wonderful it would be if everyone overcame their
destructive behavior, and expressed their love which is their natural
state. What a wonderful, peaceful world this would be.
Helene Rothschild, MS, MA, MFT, is a Marriage, Family Therapist,
intuitive counselor, author, speaker, teacher and workshop facilitator.
To empower people, she developed a unique process, HART: Holistic And
Rapid Transformation. She offers phone sessions, teleclasses, a
self-help on-line program, inspirational books, e-books, tapes, cards,
posters and independent studies.
http://www.helenerothschild.com
Dressing Girls For School
I have spoken to so many parents who tell me it is a monumental task to get
their younger daughters ready for school in the morning. Unless your daughter
has only one set of clothes to wear, she probably wants to change her outfit
three times before choosing the one she will "agree" to wear to school each day.
Here's how we solved the problem in our family...
3 Easy Ways To Make An Awesome Playroom
Are you irritated every time you walk past your kids playroom? Paper here, toys
there, the floor is strewn with stuff that you can't even guess what it is! Most
of us feel a whole lot better when things are organized. Is it natural to be
neat and tidy or is it a skill that must be learned? We'll let you worry about
that question but we'll give you a few simple ideas on how to make that playroom
fun again.
What should you expect at 6 weeks, 6 months or 1 year? We provide useful
milestones and developmental stages so that you can keep an eye on your
baby's development in the first year. Baby Stages
Ideas For Sharing Stories
With Children
This two-part article discusses the ways in which stories and
storytelling play an important role in children's lives. Techniques are
offered for using stories to help develop children's verbal skills and
imaginations. This is part one.
Who Owns The Problem; Parent or Child?
It is tempting for parents to assume ownership and responsibility for everything that goes on in the life of their child. However, when the parent jumps in too soon to solve the problem or give the answer, the child never learns to trust his own judgment and become a critical thinker.
Parenting - Making A Schedule This article on the benefits of scheduling your day as a parent
really struck home with me. It took me a while to work this out for
myself when I had young children at home, and I wish I had done so - and
benefited from the much calmer household that was the result - sooner!
