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Diary Of A New Mum - Week 3

Aches And Pains And Stitches

Paul was due to go back to work this week. Thankfully he has a great boss who agreed to let him use some annual leave to extend his paternity leave. Someone told me that in Sweden fathers get a year off after having kids. Isn’t that amazing? Not here – a measly two weeks is all you get here. Completely ridiculous. Anyway, he’s managed to rearrange a lot of his work so I’ve got him for another week at least, maybe even two. I hope so. I’m thinking of tying him to the sofa or something, just so he can’t leave me.

Speaking of leaving me, a funny thing happened when I was pregnant, and it still happens on and off now. Out of nowhere I have these awful thoughts, like what would I do if Paul found someone else and left me with a tiny baby? I swear, when I was pregnant I felt sad every morning as he drove off to work, convinced something awful was going to happen to him and I’d be left destitute with a child to bring up on my own. Hormones do funny things to your brain.

After my brush with depression I’ve been keeping an eye on my moods, and they haven’t been too bad. A bit up and down, but I’m guessing that’s pretty normal for new mums. They say exercise helps lift your mood – ha! I can barely walk up the stairs at the moment. The midwife came this week and is ‘a bit concerned about my stitches’. Did I mention my stitches? They’re ‘gaping’, apparently. I can’t look at them myself. I considered getting a mirror down there but decided against it. I think I’d rather not know.

When I was pregnant I had Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction, or SPD. This is a condition where your pelvis starts to separate a bit early and thus makes it very painful when you walk. I was virtually disabled by the end of the last trimester, and put a bit more weight on than I would have liked. Giving birth in stirrups didn’t help, either.  

Hey, I know it’s only been two weeks. But I can’t imagine a time when my body is ever going to be normal again. I ache in all sorts of weird places. I’m still bleeding. I can’t poo. It hurts to sit, stand, lie down, walk. All I want to do is sleep.

I love my baby so much but I feel so inadequate! How am I supposed to know what to do with a whole new person? How can I make sure she’s getting the right amount of food/sleep/cuddles? I haven’t got a clue. If I pick her up when she cries am I teaching her bad associations? That’s what one of the midwives said. But she’s two-weeks-old for goodness sake. Surely she can’t make associations yet? She can’t even see!

Thank God for Paul and his voice of reason. And my mom, who has been here again this week and is so capable and strong. Her own mother, my grandma, died only a few weeks before Jessica-Ann arrived and I’m just so proud of how well she’s coped.

So everybody is coping except me. But I must try not to be so hard on myself. I’ll try, but I’m not promising…

Diary of A New Mum - Week 4

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