“I love you” are three words all children need to hear often from their
parents. Do you want those words to have real meaning to your child? Do
you want them to connect one heart to another? Do you want to use these
words to develop a level of intimacy in your family that communicates
your heartfelt affection for your children? If so, consider
strengthening I love you with the following suggestions.
1.) Use eye contact. Give your children your eyes when you say,
“I love you.” Souls touch when meaningful eye contact is made during
moments of intimacy. Touch with your eyes. It’s a way of connecting that
helps you bond.
2.) Touch. A pat on the back, a hug, or a high-five will add
meaning to verbal expressions of love. So will a slight squeeze of the
shoulder or a kiss. Take your child’s hand in yours when you say, “I
love you,” and add a tactile component to your words.
3.) Use names. The sweetest sound in any language is the sound of
your own name. Names get our attention and build connectedness. Sadly,
some children only hear their own names when they are in trouble.
(“William, you better get in here!”) Add your child’s name to your
expression of love. “I love you, Carlos,” or “Shingo, I really love
you.” Watch their reactions. Their facial expressions will encourage you
to continue the practice of adding your child’s name to “I love you.”
4.) Use the words son and daughter. These two words can add
intense intimacy to your verbal expressions of love. “I love you, son”
or “I love you, daughter” will create an emotion-filled statement that
will invite an equally emotional response. Monitor your personal comfort
level as you use these two important words. Notice your feelings as you
say them, as well as the reaction you get from your children.
5.) Add nonverbal signals to your spoken message. Smile, wink,
and add pleasant facial expressions to your words. Make sure the message
on your face is congruent with the one coming out of your mouth.
6.) Do not use the word when as part of your vocal communication of
love. “I love you when you smile like that” or “When you choose that
happy mood, I love you” sends a message to your children that your love
is conditional. What children often hear is “I only love you when….” To
love unconditionally, say “I love you” without any condition attached.
7.) Remove the word but from your description of love. “I love
you, but….” is usually followed by a concern, problem, or frustration.
When we express our love along with a concern, we send a mixed message.
When we do this, children get confused and conclude that the love part
is a manipulation intended to soften them up before the real message is
delivered.
8.) Add because you are loveable to your manner of expressing love.
“I love you because you are loveable” is an important concept for
children to learn. It helps them understand that your love is attached
to no specific condition. It simply is. Be careful not to add any other
words after because. “I love you because you are thoughtful” adds a
condition that communicates conditional love. The only acceptable phrase
to use with because is because you are loveable.
9.) Say “I love you” at unexpected times. Children often hear our
expressions of love at familiar times. We typically say “I love you”
when we are going out the door on our way to work. We say it when we end
a phone conversation. “I love you” is often the last communication our
children hear as we tuck them into bed at night. “I love you” at those
times is often expected and certainly anticipated. To heighten the
impact of these three valuable words, use them at unexpected times. Say
them in the middle of a meal, as you are driving down the road in your
car, or as you stand at the kitchen sink doing dishes together.
Some children are auditory and need to hear the words “I love you.”
Others are tactile and need to be touched to feel loved. Still others
are visual and need to see love on your face and in your actions. Why
not give your children all three variations when you communicate your
love?
* * *
Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of The 10 Commitments:
Parenting with Purpose. They are two of the world's foremost authorities
on raising responsible, caring, confident children. To obtain more
information about how they can help you or your group meet your
parenting needs, visit their website today:
http://www.personalpowerpress.com
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