What do you do when your child's behavior falls short of
your expectations?
By Michael Grose
I had a friend contact me recently shocked and
distressed by the poor behaviour of her five year-old child.
It seems the five year-old insulted a schoolmate by making unpleasant
references to her weight, as they lined up for school. She wasn’t very
subtle as she did so in front of her mother and the father of the
‘other’ child.
This mother felt mortified and a little stunned by this out-of-character
behaviour. What should she do and say?
And my reaction as third party, objective bystander?
We rightfully want our kids to treat others with tolerance, respect and
fairness. Acceptance of differences is important! Don’t judge a book by
its cover! Beauty is skin deep but true worth goes deeper! These are all
the types of messages that every right-minded, caring parent spends
considerable time and effort developing in their kids.
And most of the time kids will follow the messages and values that you
promote.
BUT kids are kids. As every parent knows children will often say what
they are thinking. They are not constrained by the same social
mechanisms as adults. These come with age - a little later for boys than
girls!
Kids also have L plates when it comes to learning a range of behaviours
and skills, whether they are physical or social. They are also working
out what’s appropriate and what’s not, which means a little boundary
testing is usual.
The schoolground, just like pre schools can be something of a jungle.
Away from the gaze and scrutiny of adults kids can treat each other a
little differently than we would like. Children can be downright cruel
to each other and say some awful things at times.
Kids do work out their own pecking orders and coping mechanisms. They
need space from adults to allow this to occur. For this reason we don’t
need to be involved in the minutiae of their lives.
That is not to say we as adults adopt a ‘whatever!’ approach and leave
kids to themselves. As every experienced parent, teacher and carer knows
there are some behaviours you let go and some you pick up on.
As much as we preach and teach good messages at home we cross our
fingers and hope these messages stick when they cross the schoolgate. As
a former teacher I know that, by and large, kids represent their parents
and family values well at school, but not always to the same degree as
their parents would hope
Okay so what could this mother have done? What approach could she take?
After all this is a classic teachable moment and requires some type of
positive parental response. There are many ideas I know. But these were
my suggestions.
1. Don’t take her behaviour personally. Easier said than done but we
often unjustly judge our performance as parents by our children’s
behaviour. This is fraught with danger!
2. Let her daughter know that she was unimpressed with her behaviour but
put it in the context of behaving like a good friend should. In other
words, how should a good friend act? Is this how a good friend would
act?
3. Revisit this later at home and create a little empathy. How would she
feel if someone called her fat, skinny or stupid? (Research shows that
bullies often dissociate themselves from the act and have difficulty
empathasising)
4. Sometimes it is useful to get a child to apologise. This can be a
little meaningless though when their heart is not in it. For children in
middle primary school and above it is useful if children ask the
offended if they will forgive them. This requires a response from the
offended person and can reseal the relationship.
My last piece of advice was to revisit and move on. I wouldn’t be
surprised if the offended girl already had.
Michael Grose is a popular parenting expert and media commentator. He is the director of Parentingideas, the author of seven books for parents and a popular expert who speaks to audiences in Australia, Singapore and the USA.
For the absolute best advice and ideas, free courses and fabulous resources to help you raise happy kids and resilient teenagers visit
http://www.parentingideas.com.au
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