Mom vs. Dad: Navigating Parenting Differences With All Good Intentions
By Dr. Charles Sophy
Let’s face it: raising children can be quite the adventure. Rewarding at one
turn, challenging at the next – it’s the ultimate roller-coaster for the
parenting thrill seeker. In the Game of Life, you rolled the dice and accepted
the role of co-parent. While the rules seem deceptively simple, (raise child
into healthy adult), the game is often complicated by differences in parenting
styles between partners. It’s these differences, if unresolved, that can abandon
you in the land of defeat and leave you feeling overwhelmed and discouraged,
with “game over” flashing on your internal video screen.
Bridging a significant difference in parenting styles is one of the most
difficult aspects of building a family. Parenting is the substantial task of
balancing your beliefs and values (about child development, love, tradition and
discipline) with your childhood experiences, in order to nurture healthy and
secure children. Add a co-parent to the equation – with their own beliefs,
values and experiences - and suddenly, the balancing act becomes more complex.
Let's pretend: It’s the weekend. The sun is shining and there isn’t a cloud in
the sky. You and your parent partner decide to take your young son, Joey, for a
relaxing Sunday picnic in the park. Your partner loads the picnic basket with
bottles of water, healthy ham and cheese sandwiches on whole wheat bread (no
crust for little Joey), and slices up a watermelon for a refreshing treat after
a few games of touch football. You hop on your bikes and peddle to the park,
laughing all the way as you and Joey play follow the leader and he tries to copy
your “pop-a-wheelies” with varying degrees of success, your partner watching
warily from behind.
Finally, the park in sight, you all race to be the first one there, Joey
pedalling as fast as his little legs will let him. You and your partner are on
his tail until the last moment when you both ease off to allow Joey the victory.
Elated and winded, Joey hops off his bike and requests a ride on the swings. You
turn to your partner and say, "I'll take him. Relax. Enjoy your lunch." Joey
takes your hand and you toddle off to the swings. He climbs aboard, ready for
the dizzying heights and squeals as each push sends him higher and higher.
Seconds later, your anxious parent partner is at your side, saying “Don't push
him so high! He looks motion sick. Joey hold tight!" The comments sting,
prompting feelings of anger that your partner would think you are not being safe
with your child, resentment and even inadequacy. To add insult to the injury,
little Joey immediately picks up your partner’s hesitation, looks confused and
timid, and loudly announces “Daddy, stop!” You quickly catch him and ease his
swing into a stop position and watch with mixed emotions as Joey leaps off and
runs into your partner’s arms, whimpering as he’s led back to the picnic area.
You slink back to join them, angry, hurt and frustrated, and eat your lunch in
silence. Lunch over; you all wearily climb onto your bikes for the seemingly
endless ride home.
How did our happy day go wrong? What, if anything, should be done about it? Do
you simply hope and pray for the arrival of Monday morning and the refuge of the
work routine? No! It’s essential to communicate with your partner.
Plan a Response
Often, our first reaction when faced with a difference in styles is, "That's not
what I would do." Conflicts bubble to the surface when one or both partners
operate with “my way is the right way” mentality. Discussing and resolving a
conflict is the only way to minimize the negative impact differing parenting
styles can have on the family. An unresolved conflict in parenting styles is one
of leading causes of partner break-ups.
Relying on some of the following may minimize your distress as you plan a
response:
Communication: Take time to discuss each other's parenting styles and values.
Work on listening to your partner as carefully as you would like them to listen
to you.
Awareness (self and others, especially your child): Be aware if your own
childhood is influencing how you are reacting to your child or your co-parent,
and assess if your reaction is a fit for today's situation. Ask yourself: Why
did you react that way? Why did they?
Ownership (your actions/non-actions): Don’t play the blame game. Examine what
role your actions or non-actions played in the conflict.
Control (who has it; who needs it): Understand each other's needs for this vital
resource. Strive to be more flexible and to not have to always be in control.
Never undermine your partner or your partner's parenting in front of your
children.
Resolution (bring issues to closure): Unresolved issues are a sure course to
dissolution. Don't put off dealing with the important conflicts.
Keep in mind: Despite your differences, you both want what’s best for the
children. This wasn't the first conflict and it probably won't be the last. The
next time you and your spouse lock horns over a parenting matter, remember to
relax, be compassionate, and know that your kids need you both.
Dr. Charles Sophy currently serves as Medical Director for the Los Angeles
County Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS), which is responsible
for the health, safety and welfare of nearly 40,000 foster children. He also has
a private psychiatry practice in Beverly Hills, California. Dr. Sophy has
lectured extensively and is an Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the
University of California Los Angeles Neuro-Psychiatric Institute. His lectures
and teachings are consistently ranked as among the best by those in attendance.
Dr. Charles Sophy, author of the “Keep ‘Em Off My Couch” blog, provides real
simple answers for solving life’s biggest problems. He specializes in improving
the mental health of children. To contact Dr. Sophy, visit his blog at
http://drsophy.com.
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