For many parents, the words parenting discipline have very negative
connotations. There is the association with their own childhood and the often
unpleasant memories that thinking of discipline raises. Then there is the
association of the word discipline with ideas around corporal punishment, with
spanking, hitting and hurting children.
Some parents believe that the words parenting discipline and their idea of
raising children should not be mentioned in the same sentence. To them it feels
harsh and sounds punitive. They would instead like to think about theories of
loving rewards, kind words and respectful boundaries.
Parenting discipline, for me, is about teaching children ways to grow that
enable them to be safe, have self respect, self control, and empathy for others.
Our children need us to show them how, and they learn by modelling their own
behaviour on ours.
For me, good discipline is about being firm, clear and consistent as parents -
about being definite, kind and respectful - about showing, teaching and enabling
our children.
I do not believe in harsh, punitive or punishing methods of discipline. But I am
a firm believer that all children need to have boundaries and limits, and they
need us to put these limits in place for them.
I believe that at the heart of good parenting discipline are explanations,
conversations, teaching and consequences.
Teaching Through Understanding
From an early age our children want and need our approval. They need to know
that they are loved, cherished and wanted. They really do not like to be out of
sorts with us and would always rather feel closely attached.
In other words they want to do what is right in order to have our constant
approval. They want to know how to do the right thing and they need us to teach
them the way to go about this.
By explaining and helping them to understand, our children can learn how to do
the right thing.
This method of discipline works well when a regular place in the house is used
as the 'teaching and explaining' place. Maybe you will choose to sit in the same
place in the living room each time you explain what behaviour is required. I
tended to sit my children up on a high bar stool at the kitchen bench so I could
maintain good eye contact with them.
Ask your child to tell you what happened.
"I dropped food on the carpet".
Then ask why do you think that happened?
"I was watching television"
What could you do differently next time?
"Sit at the table".
How can we fix this?
"I can clean it up".
Right, so please do that now.
Even very young children can learn better if there is a consequence for their
behaviour. In this case, having to clean up and turning off the television was
the consequence.
There is no punishment going on here, just natural consequences for their
actions. This all takes time, attention and energy and requires that you are in
a calm and considerate place with your child. If the behaviour is far worse than
just spilling food, for instance, you may need to request time out until you
calm down.
Your teaching conversation needs to be age appropriate and adjusted to your
children's ability. The beauty of this method is that children learn how to
think about their behaviour, its consequences effects on others, and how to make
changes and choices.
Parenting Discipline through Boundaries and Limits
Children learn best when rules are simply and clearly stated. As they grow and
develop, you can allow your children to set their own limits and to decide what
good boundaries are by constantly increasing their opportunities for making
their own decisions.
As you watch children's developing sense of responsibility, it is clear that
they thrive on rules and limits. Listen to any group of children playing and it
becomes clear that they set the rules for their games clearly and with positive
intent. They like to know what is expected and how to go about it.
Setting simple limits and defining them in a positive way helps children to
become good decision makers.
For instance, instead of saying, "Do up your seat belt", try explaining that the
car doesn't move until all seat belts are done up! Instead of saying, "Don't
drop your food on the carpet", try saying, we all eat best when sitting up to
the table.
Setting boundaries isn't about policing your children, it's about teaching them
to respect the rights and needs of others as well as themselves.
Parenting Discipline through Consequences
Older children learn quickly if they experience the consequences of their
negative behaviour. They can quickly understand about cause and effect and learn
how to have a sense of responsibility.
Experiencing consequences also helps children to become more empathetic and
aware of their surroundings. All our actions have an impact somehow or other in
the world and children who grow up knowing this become more considerate, kind
hearted and compassionate.
I believe that experiencing the consequences of their own negative choices
teaches children more quickly than any other method. Children who are taught how
to think, how to consider others, and how to take responsibility for their own
actions become motivated, intuitive spontaneous and creative human beings.
They become thirsty for knowledge, develop a strong sense of personal
responsibility and learn to be tolerant, warm and caring individuals.
Natural, reasonable consequences are a child's best teacher. For instance, if
you don't wear a jacket you get cold and wet. If you forget your sports clothes
you cannot take part. If you don't pack your lunch you will be hungry. If you
break or damage something through your carelessness, you must replace it.
Parenting discipline is about teaching your children with compassion and with
respect to be the best they can - to think for themselves, to experience the
consequences of their own actions and to take responsibility for their own
behaviour.
The rewards are warm, empathetic, considerate, caring individuals who show
awareness for themselves, their environment and for each other.
Helen Williams,
Editor Consistent Parenting Advice.com
I believe that being a consistent parent is both vitally important and totally necessary to ensure a happy family life. However, becoming a consistent parent is rather like trying to push water uphill if we are not consistent within our selves. This website addresses HOW to adopt a firm, clear, consistent parenting approach, while enabling you to enhance and increase your emotional well-being.
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