Praising and encouraging kids can be difficult for many people. It just
doesn’t come naturally. They are hard-wired for criticism rather than
praise.
Some children, particularly boys, feel awkward receiving praise unless
it is done carefully. It can be misconstrued as being manipulative and
not genuine, particularly when it is simply a throw-away line. Praise
can become meaningless for some kids unless it is done with a little
thought and care.
There are three types of praise that have positive impact on children’s
(as well as adults’) behaviour and self-esteem.
1. Descriptive praise: Throw a spotlight on the behaviours that kids do
well. Rather than a trite ‘well done’ draw a word picture of what they
did well and let them know its impact. Tell them what you see and how
you feel. “Wow. You have tidied the room really well and put everything
back where it should be. It’s a pleasure to come into the living room.”
Such comments genuinely made become stored in their bank of skills and
builds up their confidence.
Private praise is more effective than public praise for boys as they can
become embarrassed being praised in front of their friends or relatives.
Use for: keeping house rules, changing poor behaviour (when combined
with ignoring some of their poor behaviour)
2. Summary praise: Give your child a positive label to live up to by
summing up their positive behaviours with one word. “You really worked
hard to finish your project. That’s what I call persistence.” “You
cleaned up the kitchen without being told. You are a self-starter.”
Persistence and self-starter become part of your children’s ICRS
(Internal Character Reference System).
Use for: kids who lack confidence, kids of all ages but particularly
those under 10 as they really use parents as reference points
3. Self-praise: Praise is always bit more powerful when it comes from
yourself so allow children to brag a little. “I did that well.” “I am
really pleased with the way I did that.” “I did the best I could.” “I
love the art I did at school today.” Teaching kids to self-praise can be
a little tricky but you can start by asking them how they feel about
their efforts. When you use descriptive feedback you actually show kids
how to self-praise.
Some kids need to be cued regarding self-praise -“Are you pleased with
yourself because you tried your best in the game?” Encourage them to say
they are pleased with themselves rather than just agree with you. This
gets them in the habit of self-praise.
Use for: kids who always want your reassurance, use for children’s
efforts rather than behaviour
There are plenty of people in your child’s life who are critical of them
– including their peers and maybe siblings. It is a parent’s job to tell
kids what is right about them, so spend a little time telling kids what
you see and feel when they do something well. Make up positive labels
that they can add to their Internal Character Reference Systems and
encourage them to brag a little when they have done something well..
Michael Grose is a popular parenting educator and parent coach. He is
the director of
Parentingideas, the author of seven books for parents and a popular
presenter who speaks to audiences in Australia, Singapore and the USA.
For free courses and resources to help you raise happy kids and
resilient teenagers visit
http://www.parentingideas.com.au
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